If only people weren't so judgmental. But maybe it's common for people to be judgmental.
Yesterday, I was asked by a coworker if I was going to go somewhere after work. I told her I was going to buy medications. She said, "Oh my god. Tsk tsk tsk."
That pissed me off, to be honest. But yesterday was an "okay" day. I didn't have any bad thoughts or emotions. I was able to laugh and talk with people. It's rare for me so hearing something like that, well, isn't something that I would want.
I don't remember if I snapped at her or I just remained quiet. We were talking but we were sitting on our office tables and our tables have these tall wooden dividers, so she didn't see my facial reaction, if I reacted at all.
The thing is that, she thinks I am dependent on my antidepressant and anti-anxiety medications. Well, she didn't think that, initially. But someone close to her does and maybe she was influenced by the said person's opinion. And every time she hears the word "meds" from me, she's acting as if I am taking illegal drugs. ILLEGAL DRUGS?
I am going to rant. I am going to vent. Because while I know they mean well and maybe they don't like me taking medications because they are concerned, they should understand that I, myself, don't want to be in this situation where I would need medications so I can stop wanting to die.
Do I look like I want to be on medications? Does it look like I would RATHER buy medications than buy something I want for myself? Do they think it's easy for me to hide my medications from my mom? They're acting as if I want this. It's like I WANT to be depressed. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint them but to be honest, I'd rather be dead right now than be anything. Than be depressed. Or than to get better. Because seriously, I still don't see the point of living.
MAYBE LIVING ISN'T FOR EVERYONE.
Even when nothing bad is happening, even when the day is okay, there would still be moments where I would ask myself when will it be my time to die? Because living is tiring. Depression is tiring. I want to be normal but I don't think I have ever been normal. Whatever "normal" means. I have always wanted to die since I was young. And maybe I want it so much that I keep waiting for it to happen.
They don't know what it's like to feel as if death is something I would never achieve soon. They don't know what it's like to feel that for me, death is an achievement because it's like a point in my life where maybe I would be able to say to myself, "Oh finally, I get to rest and not get hurt anymore." They don't know what it's like to feel like you're drowning when you wake up in the morning. They don't know what it's like to wake up trembling when it's not even cold. May hands shake all the time. My whole body is shaking and I don't even feel it unless someone comments about it. When coworkers touch me, they feel it. They don't know what it's like. They wouldn't want this because no one wants this. NO ONE.
They don't know what it's like to keep remembering the terrible experiences and get filled with a lot of self-loathing and regret. They don't know what it's like to have those flashes of thought where I am slitting my wrist or banging my head on the wall or taking all the medications that's available in my house all at once. They don't know what it's like to have no fear of running into a holdup and thinking I would jump in front of a bullet for anyone just so this could end. Not to be heroic. But just to end all this.
They don't know.
Those terrible experiences? Those things I regret? When I talk about it, most of the time, I hear, "Stop thinking about it," or "Let it go," or "You're the one who's ALLOWING this to happen." Allowing? Like I want this? Again, I'm going to ask, does anyone WANT to be in this situation?
I have been exchanging E-mails with a friend of mine who's going through the same. And in one of our conversations, I said this to her:
"I understand your frustration. And I understand everything you just said about either letting it go or not. Because that's how I still feel about [name redacted] and [name redacted]. But the truth is I don't know how to let go. [Name redacted] and her friends' insults still hurt me. [Name redacted]'s betrayal still make me cry. I still pity myself and I still want to die when I remember them. I'm still full of regret. I'm still full of self-loathing for letting him hurt me and for still wanting him to want me. Why do I want him to want me? I don't know. Is it because I still enjoy his company? Maybe. Is it because I want to rub in [name redacted]'s face that [name redacted] still wouldn't let go of me like he wouldn't let go of her? Maybe. Or is it because I want [name redacted] to see my worth? That's possible. But for what? I still get hurt when I feel like he doesn't care. And his status I told you about could be about me. It could be because [name redacted] told him about the message. I'm really paranoid.
There is no way to let go. At least for me. I don't know how. People who can instantly let go of painful experiences amaze me. They can just shrug their shoulders about certain things while there's me, something happens and BAM! I start questioning why I still exist. I even wonder how [name redacted] would feel if I died. I know [name redacted] would laugh.
Shit. I don't even know why I care so much about what [name redacted] think and say about me but I do. I hate myself for it.
I can't tell you to stop feeling what you're feeling. I totally understand. [Name redacted] may have won. But maybe he didn't because seriously, what did he get from hacking? Did he want to know if you're into him? Well, he probably has fed his curiosity but then what? He's getting nothing from it. How do we get back? What do we get when we try to get back at these people? Nothing. That's why it's frustrating. But we can try and see how it feels. Because letting go, I think, is not that easy."
We both are in a situation where we question whether we fight for the justice we both deserve or just shut up and ignore the whole thing until it passes. It's a lose-lose situation. If we fight, things can get worse. If we don't, we get frustrated for not defending ourselves. There's no winning.
So what do we do? Really, is there a tutorial on how to let go? I'm being sarcastic. I want to let go. Well, like I said before, if there's a way to have a portion of my memory deleted, I would have had it done.
I don't want this anymore. No one wants this.
